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July 22, 2010

Dick Wolfsie CNHI The Rushville Republican Thu Jul 22, 2010, 09:36 AM EDT

RUSHVILLE —

When I was kid, there were a lot of rules in our house. My father had a workshop in the basement, so his list of no no's was a great deal longer than Mom's: paint thinner is not a beverage; a band saw is not a musical instrument; a blow torch is not a hair dryer. Mom did have one rule that she was adamant about. You were never to slice a Thomas' English Muffin with a knife. Instead, the product was to be carefully pried apart with a fork, so that both halves revealed their celebrated nooks and crannies. Then a careful toasting produced the legendary ideal crunch. As any muffin maven knows, the jagged terrain provides a nesting place for butter, cream cheese or jam. My father did not share the view that a sliced muffin is a muffin maligned. He routinely hacked away at Thomas with a kitchen knife and when Joan found the half-eaten evidence on Dad's plate, she'd scold him in front of the entire family. In retaliation, Arnie would then use the same knife to split an Oreo cookie into two cream-covered halves, a clear violation of the twist and detach rule still operative today. I still don't know the difference between a nook and a cranny. However, I always figured that the 75-year-old recipe for this highly touted topography was a carefully guarded corporate secret, not unlike the undisclosed ingredients of Coca Cola. Or what part of the chicken a McNugget really is. And now it has been revealed that only seven people in the world know the formula for the nooks and crannies, and one of them is leaving the company, headed for Thomas' fierce competitor Hostess, maker of Wonder Bread and Twinkies. Now the plot thickens, or rises (pick your bakery metaphor). Turns out that Thomas' English Muffins is currently owned by a Mexican food company, Bimbo Bakeries, which sounds like a south-of-the-border Hooters. In reality, Bimbo is one of the largest food conglomerates in the world. I think they make almost everything except frozen tacos and burritos, which they farm out to the Chinese. Bimbo and Hostess are now in a legal battle over Thomas’ recipe for nooks and crannies. Make no mistake: This has shmear campaign written all over it. In the true spirit of English muffins, both sides will be equally represented. The jury may have a tough time. Expect a split decision. It's bad enough the Limeys are being blamed for the Gulf oil spill, but now the public will incorrectly assume this English muffin scandal is also about the Brits. If the judge lays down a nook and cranny cease and desist order, we’ll have both a petroleum spill and a potential jelly leak. Petroleum and jelly. This is a headline writer’s dream. The history of the craggy surface was anything but smooth scaling. Several notable bumps along the way perplexed the inventor, Samuel Bath Thomas, who in 1874 made the discovery after a failed attempt to find a cure for acne. Some of his early versions were disasters including the Moon Muffin, which was all nooks and no crannies. Another early snafu was calling it Tom's English Muffins, because no one knew where to put the apostrophe. Thomas'? Thomases'? Thomas's? The Bimbo people are always searching for ways to increase visibility. I hope they don’t try to sell their products to fairgoers this summer. I love Indiana State Fair food as much as the next guy, but a deep-fried English muffin doesn't sound quite Hoosier enough for me.

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