I just took a business trip to Belgium. I think. I do know that I left the United States and headed east. But I’m uncertain where I was because the rest of my itinerary played out like this: rode on a plane for a long, looonnnggg time; took a cab ride to a hotel/conference center; went to meetings in that conference center; ate all my meals in that conference center; took a cab ride from the conference center to another long, looonnnggg plane ride home. The elapsed time from arriving in what I was told was Belgium to departing what I was told was Belgium was about 72 hours (115.2 hours in metric time).

I sincerely apologize to any Belgians out there who feel I’m krenkening (Flemish for “disrespecting”) their country by suggesting it isn’t memorable. The fact is, I’m just krenkeny — sorry, make that cranky — about the script of this trip.

Ironically, I’m cranky because I love to travel. I’m an excellent tourist, at least in the gawking, getting lost easily and mangling the native language to the amusement of the locals sense. I especially enjoy doing these things in places I’ve never been. And that’s kind of how I regard Belgium — as a place I’ve never been — even after being there (I think).

Of course, the trip’s purpose wasn’t to gawk, language-mangle, etc. I was there to do things to help my company become a raging juggernaut of corporate wonderfulness whose name will be uttered in unabashed awe for generations to come. I did my best, and hopefully won’t be downsized anytime soon.

Nevertheless, if this is the only trip I ever make to Belgium I better record my thoughts and observations so I may someday regale my grandchildren with the exciting adventures of their peripatetic (Flemish for “gets lost easily”) granddad.

n I flew in and out of Brussels, which sprouted up in the 10th century along some prominent European river, the name of which doesn’t matter because the purpose of this paragraph is to make a joke, lame though it may be, that makes you think of Brussels sprouts. (If you didn’t catch it, feel free to reread this paragraph.)

n Belgian cab drivers drive fast. Either that, or the people who run the conference center I was heading for informed my cabbie that I was only going to be in the country for 72 hours, and thus he should get me there as rapidly as possible, to maximize the odds of emptying my luchtzaks (Flemish for “pockets”) of any annoying Euros jangling around in them.

n The conference center that I briefly called home is in a town outside Brussels called La Hulpe (French for “The Hulpe”). On the day I arrived, there was a couple-hour window of time allowing for some leisure, so I decided to walk along some nature trails in the dense woods surrounding the conference center. On this walk, I learned why Belgium is considered one of the “low countries.” The paths were shoe-suckingly oozy, a result of rainfall and snowmelt from the whole rest of Europe cascading down and overflowing the river beside which Brussels sprouts.

n I had my camera with me, and I was so glad I did because I had the chance to get up close images of some great — hmmm, how to say this somewhat titillating word so Republican editor Kevin Green doesn’t censor me? . . .t!ts. I was so excited, I texted my wife right away: “Honey! I’ve photographed a lot of great t!ts!” She texted me back that she didn’t think I’d stoop so low; I replied, “Hey, it’s a low country,” and she fired back, “Fine — enjoy those t!ts now, but get ready to dig low into your luchtzaks for the divorce settlement!”

It was then that I realized that what we had here was a failure to communicate. You see, she thought I was snapping pix of — well, you know what she thought I was snapping pix of and you’re probably thinking the same thing. But they were pictures of birds! Honest! Throughout Europe , there’s a common bird that looks like a chickadee but is called the great t!t.

I explained this to my wife, but she didn’t really believe me until I got back home and showed her the pictures. And further made nice with 20 pounds of Belgian — hmmm, another titillating word challenge. . .chocol!t.

uuu

TakefiveT5@yahoo.com.



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