Mugged on my birthday

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March 18, 2010

Dick Wolfsie The Rushville Republican Thu Mar 18, 2010, 08:16 AM EDT

It’s too late now, but I wish you would have sent my wife an e-mail and told her what to give me for my birthday. She really needed your help. Mary Ellen says I am difficult to shop for. Last year I ended up with three dozen golf balls. Even though I requested them, it was still a surprise. I didn’t expect pink.

In a desperate attempt to help her this year, I googled “gifts for men in their 60s.” Maybe there was a place on the Internet where women could communicate with each other about what must be a common yearly dilemma.

One Web site was a blog where the children of people my age made gift suggestions. Here was the first comment:

The birthday party should convey to the celebrant that he or she is still loved, respected and appreciated. It should also be a reminder of the golden days of youth.

I checked my pulse. I was still breathing, although my blood pressure had hit the roof. I may be an irritant, but I don’t want to be a celebrant. Not while I can still dress myself. Also, I may not have the best memory, but my youth was not golden. Stainless steel, maybe.

Their first gift suggestion had little appeal: “Why not a collage of stamps from that person’s birth year, all in an attractive scrapbook? Can you think of a better present?” Yes, I can. How about a gift certificate for a colonoscopy.

There were several suggestions for personalized coffee mugs.

“What about an eye-catching cup with a list of all the famous people born on their birthday?” I thought that sounded like a good idea, so I did a little research about March 5.

Tang Gonghong (Chinese weightlifter)

Jef Eygel (Belgian basketball player)

Olusegun Obasanjo (former President of Nigeria)

Seriously, how long do you really own something special like this before someone swipes it? You put your mug down in the lunchroom and it’s like leaving your Lexus running with the keys in it.

Here was another hint: a coffee mug decorated with the names of famous people who died on your birth date. What fun! I’m surprised that Starbucks never thought of this. It seems tasteless, but it’s nothing compared to their scones. I checked the extensive list provided for March 5. The following people all bought the farm on my special day. How festive that would look on my breakfast table next to the bottle of Lipitor.

Jay Silverheels (Tonto on the Lone Ranger)

Patsy Cline (country singer)

William Powell (movie star)

That list depressed me, so I thought I’d ask them to add Joseph Stalin. I’m not sure when the Soviet dictator died, but no one is going to check and you do need something to brighten up the mug.

The other night we went to Cracker Barrel and I saw my wife eyeing one of those little books on the gift rack that features news and statistics about the year you were born. The top of the stand starts with 1985 and the years work their way down. By the time my wife reached my year, she was on her knees. There were a few books for older people even lower on the shelf. Once the 4:00 dinner special was over, the floor was going to get very crowded.

So what did I get from my wife? My favorite gift was the coffee mug that says: I’M A SEXAGENARIAN.

Every morning when I have breakfast, I’m going to read that phrase. It makes being 63 sound like a lot more fun than it really is.

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