Wolfsie: Pyramid scheme

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November 7, 2006

Dick Wolfsie The Rushville Republican Tue Nov 07, 2006, 10:24 PM EST

Just when you think everything in the news is too depressing, you see a headline like this: Archeologists Smiling About Dentists’ Tombs.

Normally, finding funny stuff to write about is like pulling teeth. In this case, it is pulling teeth.

Tomb robbers recently broke into an Egyptian pyramid and found the remains of three Egyptian dentists. The robbers were arrested but their discovery has raised questions about the history of this medical sub-specialty. That might make dentistry almost four millenniums old. Anthropologists said it wasn’t hard to find a competent dentist in ancient Egypt. But a decent dermatologist? A good pulmonary man? Scarcer than hen’s teeth.

Experts weren’t sure they were dentists at first. In fact, there was some speculation they were lawyers because each was clad in expensive robes and jewels. What finally convinced the experts was the discovery of a huge 100-pound iron mallet nearby, which was apparently the Novocain of the day.

The dentists were lying right next to each other in the tomb, suggesting a group practice, the idea being that they could save a fair amount of overhead if they shared pyramid space.

The entry to the dentists’ tombs was decorated with hieroglyphics that no one has translated yet. It is believed that these writings are probably an explanation of the dental health care plan 4000 years ago and there is some hope that if it can be decoded, it might be a better arrangement than most of us have now.

By the way, painstaking translations showed one of the dentists’ names was Ly Myr and the other was Kem Msw, which was probably Dr. Chuck Smith and Dr. Bruce Jones, but with all the cotton in your mouth, that’s probably as close to saying it correctly as you were going to get. (I know that line makes absolutely no sense, but if I make myself laugh while writing, I usually keep the joke in).

According to the story, the mummified skulls of the male dentists were pretty decrepit looking (or was that decrypted looking?). But next to the dentists were the bodies of three females who died with smiles on their faces, which just had to be the dental hygienists. I don’t think things have changed that much.

The dental tomb was carbon dated at 4,000 years old, but strangely they found some papyrus in the area that was dated 5,000 years old, which they believe were magazines in the waiting room.

Dentistry in Egyptian times was not a profession without risk. One of the mummies had a spear in his belly, a pretty good indication that a dentist shouldn’t say to a Pharoah, "Don’t worry, this won’t hurt a bit."

Overall, the care of teeth in those days must have been pretty good. Records show that people kept their teeth until they died. Of course, they kept them on a necklace, but that did make cleaning them a good deal easier.

This whole history of dental care has made me look back at my own teeth (not easy without one of those little mirrors), and wonder if someday, like our appendix, teeth will become obsolete, after science has replaced food with nutritional pellets. This would make dentistry unnecessary and we could employ our mouths for something handy like a place to keep loose change or a spare key to the car.

But what about communication with each other? How would people talk endlessly on their cell phones? How would politicians rant? How would your children whine and complain?

Enough said.

Watch for Dick Wolfsie Wednesdays in the Rushville Republican. Add a comment at www.rushvillerepublican.com.

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