My gift to you: A sample holiday letter

Rick Dawson

I always enjoy opening the mailbox this time of year. Starting soon, I’ll begin receiving holiday greetings that will include newsletters from people and families I can never remember. They’ll brag about their accomplishments for 2008 and perhaps even gloss over their failures. Once I finish reading those newsletters, I’ll still have no idea who any of those people are.

If you don’t have time to write your own family letter this year, there’s no need to worry. I’m giving you permission to use the following letter as your own. Just change a few names and hilarity will ensue. No one enjoys a good head-scratching like people you only contact once a year. Please enjoy and thank me later.

Hello friends! Yes, it’s time once again for your annual update on the Smithereens family!

The King of the Smithereens, husband and father Nick, has finished up parole and recently obtained a degree in animal husbandry.

As some of you remember, Nick’s career as a stockbroker ended abruptly a few years back. Maybe you read about it in the papers. We’ve gotten past most of it. Now we’re just hoping that friends who drop by from time to time with nicknames like “The Fish,” Vinnie Vin Vinnie,” and “The Concrete Slipper” can get past it as well.

Your humble scribe, Marge is now an “entrepreneur.” I’ve started a business that combines tattooing and needlepoint. I figured that tattoos shouldn’t be so flat, and they ought to have a little fluff to them. I have patent pending on this process which results in tattoos that are sewn into the skin, yet remain soft and washable. You can become my first customer. My store, “Yarned Arms” is on Main Street, right next to the pawn shop. (Ask about the “Seatwarmer Special.”)

As you’ll see in the rest of this sentence our eldest son, Dwaywayne Waywayne petitioned the local court to add the words way and way to his name. He believes this is necessary because he says is really way, way cool. Dwaywayne is 34 years old and still living at home. He allows visitors only from 4:30 to 4:45 p.m. on Wednesdays only because it is the sole day of the week that includes the letters w, a and y. Despite what he’ll tell you he was never at Woodstock although he exhibits characteristics of someone who might have spent a little too much time at Woodstock.

Grandpa Stan and Uncle Francis are still double bunking in the spare bedroom. We usually only see them on Friday nights when they host the most amazing cast of characters for “bingo.” The doors get closed and we don’t ask too many questions, but we understand a lot of money changes hands in that bedroom for this “bingo” thing. The cops have only been called a few times when “bingo” turned into “bango” and some stray shots were fired. So far, there’s been no bloodshed that we know of.

Our little Lucrentia is all grown up, if you can call 17 grown up. She made her own career decision this year to drop out of high school and become a live-in housekeeper for a local biker gang. We don’t see her all that often unless she needs money for gas or smokes or for that deadbeat boyfriend of hers. Still, we love her and wish her all the best with her trial on that pesky charge of check deception.

Finally… you might recall when last year we told you of Nick’s successful vasectomy the same day he got out of the joint on September 10, 2007. Today, we have surprising news. At age 50, I’ve given birth to the newest addition to the Smithereens. Little Suzettia is a real joy and came into our lives November 10, 2008. We are truly thankful that she is with us and that Nick is still really bad at math.

See You Next Year!



Rick Dawson is a reporter for WISH-TV Channel 8 a Rush County resident and a regular columnist for the Rushville Republican. You can reach him at rdawson@wishtv.com or rdawson@lightbound.com. Add a comment at www.rushvillerepublican.com.

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