Newspapers benefit us in many ways, including one that just slipped my mind. . .what was it? Oh, yeah! They help keep history relevant in our short-attention-span society.

In that spirit, this column will occasionally look back at past events that have already occurred, and discuss how they affected our forefathers, foremothers and foresiblings. We'll use an innovative research method that I personally developed, called "Histrology." Histrology uncovers obscure-to-the-point-of-trivial info, and lets you decide whether to check to see if it's true.

Successful Histrological reporting demands lengthy, all-expenses-paid travel to places where things have previously happened. It's something of a burden, but I'm willing to bear it for your benefit.

You might wonder what qualifies me to be housed in full-amenity extended-stay lodging to examine non-current events. Well, my dad taught high-school history, one of my brothers currently teaches high-school history, and my kids say most of my fatherly wisdom is prehistoric. Plus, I have one of the country's largest collections of unread issues of Smithsonian.

Interestingly, most events of Histrological importance took place in the past. Thus, looking behind us reveals. . .hey, THERE'S the remote! Sorry. . .um, reveals that on any given day, much has happened.

Take July 4. It's not just a major American holiday, it's also a day on which many memorable people have chosen to be born. I enjoy learning about notable persons who have birthdays on major holidays, and pondering whether the person and holiday have magnetic resonance - that is, do they sort of belong together?

For example, it's easy to think of composer George M. Cohan as that "Yankee Doodle Dandy" who was "born on the Fourth of July." Except he wasn't. He was born on the 3rd of July, 1878. You may think I'm being overly picky, but as regular readers know, I'm a stickler for the facts.

However, there are still plenty of authentic July 4th birthdays that radiate a warm glow of Americana: Stephen Foster, composer of "Oh! Susannah" and "Old Folks at Home (Swanee River)," born in 1826 in Lawrenceville, Pennsylvania; Mitch Miller, of "Sing Along with Mitch" fame, born in 1911 in Rochester, New York; and Gina Lollabrigida, actress with lotsa vavoom, born in 1928 in Subiaco, Arkansas.

Oops - check that. . .there actually IS a Subiaco, Arkansas, but Gina was not born there. She was born in Subiaco, ITALY. I'm terribly sorry for the mistake. . ..must've had a bit of vavoom lodged in my eye.

Now isn't all this terrible? I mean, terribly interesting? And it's only a tiny smattering of July's Histrological treasures. For example, let's go back to July 9, 1956, when America's Number One pop song was "The Wayward Wind," sung by Gogi Grant.

Before hearing this song for the first time last week, I pictured Gogi as a sort of beatnik - a guy with a black beret, black turtleneck and wispy goatee. Wrong! Gogi turns out to have been - in July, 1956 anyway - a comely young lady whose homely name was the idea of a bigwig at her New York City record company, who liked a restaurant called "Gogi's." Really.

Good thing he didn't eat at "Hooters."

(By the way, how do you pronounce "Gogi"? Like "Yogi"? Like "Soggy"? Like "Go-Guy"?)

July 12 is the birth date, in 1908, of "Uncle Miltie," Milton Berle, and in 1937, of Bill Cosby, indicating that this is either a funny day to be born, or a day to be born funny.

A July 16th note: In 1439, the English king Charles the Rather Cranky, banned kissing in England. The ban was overturned in 1923, then reinstated in 1925, when Englishwomen all agreed that Englishmen were lousy kissers.

These are but a few of the amazing things you can learn from my tireless Histrological explorations. Think what more you COULD HAVE learned if not for Kevin Green's refusal to pay for trips to Subiaco, Italy, or Gogi's restaurant in New York City.

Readers, your help is needed! Your Histrological education is at stake! Please write Kevin Green! Have your living forebears write, and your aftbears too! Demand the high-quality Histrology that only numerous fully reimbursed junkets can provide! (Send me a copy of your note, and I'll buy you a gift from my Republican expense account. . .IF you can pronounce "Gogi" correctly.)

uuu

TakefiveT5@yahoo.com



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