Stuart: Don't Turin that page, hot Olympic news here!

Don Stuart

If you plan to watch all 2,647 hours of televised Winter Olympic coverage, as I do, then you can probably skip this column.

Of course, if you do, you'll miss my special grand Turin of the whole Olympic scene, from Aamodt (Norwegian skier Kjetil) to Zoubkov (Russian bobsledder Aleksandr).

n For those who aren't familiar with the sport of biathlon, it's a competition of speed and marksmanship that involves both skiing and shooting. I've always thought I'd make a great biathlete, because my wild unsteadiness at both skills would keep my competitors far away from me, enhancing my chances to win!

Anyway, American biathlete Jeremy Teela says that biathloning (if that's a word) with control means, "You have to spend a lot of time with your rifle. You have to get know your rifle. You have to spend a lot of time in your room standing with the rifle pointed at the wall to get your muscles used to the position." Jeremy added that no one—not friends, or family, or teammates—EVER bursts uninvited into his room anymore.

n I plan to root hard for Norwegian skier Kari Traa, thanks to this quote in her online bio: "Beer is healthy. It has lots of B vitamins." And don't forget, Kari, those double-E and R vitamins are important too!

n Of course you have to be careful about staying up into the wee hours drinking with the Norwegians. You'll never find a spot on the porcelain bus, because it'll be driven all night by ski jumper Roar Ljoekelsoey and in the morning, your hangover will be aggravated by cross-country skier Magnus Moan.

n The short track speedskating venue will be the site of a furious contest between Fabio Carta of Italy and Apolo Anton Ohno of the U.S., who'll vie for gold in the "Gnarliest Patch of Oddly Sculpted Chin Hair" competition.

n The leader of the U.S. women's curling team is Cassie Johnson, and the team she skippers includes her older sister, Jamie. Jamie says Cassie got the top job "because she was a brat." On a side note, Jamie is training to become a biathlete, and spends hours in her room standing with her rifle pointed at a wall with Cassie's picture on it.

n U.S. men's curler Shawn Rojeski wears a lucky pair of boxer shorts "only at select competitions." I guess this means that at non-select competitions, he just goes "commando."

n Then there's American skier Julia Mancuso, who schusses down the slopes wearing underwear of her own special design, called "Super Jules." You tell me, wouldn’t that name also be perfect for a guy's undergarments?

n America's Jay Hakkinen, a biathlete, notes in his online bio that he once sat next to Kevin Bacon on an airplane. There's a great "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" joke in here somewhere, and it may just be in the bio of Haakinen's teammate, Aaron Parchem, a figure skater who says his motto is "Bacon makes it better."

n The U.S. and Australian team Websites both provide their athletes' nicknames. The American site features creative ones like "The Egg," "Future Boy," and "The Flying Tomato." And those are just for one guy (snowboarder Shaun White)! My favorite nickname is probably snowboarder Seth Westcott's, because it's so similar to mine—they call him "Torque," and I've become affectionately known around my house as "Dorque."

The Australians also sport some dandy nicknames, like skaters Lachlan "Dazzler" Hay and Steve "Frosty" Lee. But unfortunately, I think the Aussie team may be dealing with some serious issues regarding their weight: they call skier Jonathan Brauer "Fatty," skater Mark McNee "Handlebars," and skier Lydia Ierodiaconou "Piggy." These people weigh only 80, 76 and 54! Okay, so they use metric scales, but still, I personally don't think 54, 76 or even 80 kilobytes is very heavy.

Anyway, the nickname king of the Turin Games is certain to be Finnish curler Markku Uusipaavalniemi, who gets called "U-15." Can you guess why?

n Finally, consider this odd pre-game preparation that Swiss curler Ralph Stoeckli enjoys the night before a match. Before falling asleep, he says he needs to fight with a teammate. Although he admits he's never once burst uninvited into the room of a biathlete.

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TakefiveT5@yahoo.com.



Watch for Don Stuart’s column Mondays in the Rushville Republican. Add a comment at www.rushvillerepublican.com.

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