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January 2, 2013

Stuart: No faking this column – Isreal

Don Stuart Rushville Republican The Rushville Republican Wed Jan 02, 2013, 09:58 AM EST

RUSHVILLE — My No. 1 son and my mother- and father-in-law came to visit us in Nawth Caylinah for the holidays, which distracted me a lot from FINALLY writing the definitive Great American Column to kick off 2013.

Then we traveled to Indiana to visit my mom and siblings, which further distracted me a lot from FINALLY writing the definitive Great American Column to kick off 2013.

Then I blobbed out on the couch watching college football bowl games, which TOTALLY distracted me from writing, from showering, from feeding the cats, from going to work, and much more.

But that’s understandable, right? Because as you know, there are sooooo many interesting things one learns when one watches college football bowl games. For example, one learns that a great many comely college cheerleaders can barely fit into their skimpy uniforms. For another thing, one learns that. . . uhhhh. . . mmmmm. . . wait – what? – sorry, just replaying the college bowl game that I DVR’d because there were sooooo many shots of comely cheerleaders who barely fit into their skimpy uniforms.

Anyway, if my calculations are correct, by the time you read this, there will be only another month or so until they play the “National Championship” bowl game, which used to be played, in the quaint old days, on New Year’s Day. With the college football bowl season stretching for as long as it does, it makes it tough on people who get heartily fatigued of my “funny football names” columns after about half a sentence. But, due to all the finely wrought, justifiable, and downright ironclad excuses I shared in this week’s first three paragraphs, here’s yet one more of those columns. (Just think! – only 48 weeks until the next one!)

Fresno State has two quarterbacks – unrelated, for what it’s worth – named Carr; freshman Myles and junior Derek. So obviously, the team’s practice facility is equipped with a two-Carr garage.

For some reason, I heard this player’s name and couldn’t help but think of a lead character in a movie about the Civil War and its effects on the fates of a number of people associated with a grand Southern Plantation, perhaps called, oh, say, “Tara.” So who is this fella? Baylor University tight end Rhett Butler.

Here are a few more guys who certainly have powerful enough names to apply for jobs as Emperors somewhere, if they don’t go “play on Sundays” after college:

Ohio University defensive back Octavius Leftwich;

University of Louisiana-Monroe running back Centaurus Donald

And Centaurus’ teammate, wide receiver Rashon Caesar.

I picture this Baylor offensive lineman earning an “A” in art class for turning in a very sincerely sincere sketch: Drew Earnest.

More names I can honestly say I’ve never heard before:

The Rice University Owls have a quarterback named Driphus Jackson.

Air Force has a running back named Broam Hart.

And a kicker named Briceton Cannada.

West Virginia University has a defensive lineman named Dozie Ezemma.

Might that renowned bestower of doofy nicknames, Chris Berman of ESPN, be tempted to nickname this guy “Complex”? – West Virginia cornerback Brandon Napoleon.

Syracuse has its own “All-Variations On A Name” Team:

Wide receiver Marcus Sales;

Defensive end Markus Pierce-Brewster;

Linebacker Marquis Spruill.

Fresno State has two quarterbacks – unrelated, for what it’s worth – named Carr; freshman Myles and junior Derek. So obviously, the team’s practice facility is equipped with a two-Carr garage.

Gotta allow for an encore performance from a guy I mentioned last year, whose parents must’ve loooooved surfing (he’s from Hawaii): Naval Academy defensive back Wave Ryder. Let’s also give a little pub to Wave’s little bro, also playing for Navy – center Blaze Ryder. Annnnnd, if for no other reason than to pre-empt this 6’ 4”, 255 pounder getting angry with me for not mentioning him, here’s a shout-out to Navy defensive lineman Vin Rider.

My beloved Purdue Boilermakers should probably be wary of tension between a couple of offensive lineman; I mean, it’s entirely possible that J.J. Prince wants to usurp Jason King.

Lastly, his teammates love him because he’s open, honest, up-front and not the least bit phony: he’s Arizona State linebacker Isreal Marshall.

Contact: TakefiveT5@yahoo.com

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